Sitting at Another Surgeons

 We’re in another waiting room, then in another exam room. I don’t know if we’re even sure what to expect, but all you can do is pray for something better then the previous doctor may have said. 

I spent hours on the phone trying to get the images, reports and records sent to everyone and everywhere. The surgeon here at Albany Med, is reviewing them as we wait here. All you can do is hope he sees some window of opportunity to give Matt back some hope, some years, some comfort. 

The six months of chemotherapy and immunotherapy will be coming to a close. Most people long for that day, pray for it. But, if it’s all Matt has… if it’s the only thing giving us more time… I’m not sure how to feel about it ending. 

The sleepless nights, the drain, the nausea and diarrhea may dissipate when the chemotherapy is done. The rash will eventually clear, the bloody puss filled sores will heal. The sheets and pillowcases will not need to be washed daily, some of the medications will vanish from the bathroom cabinet. 

What will be left? The waiting period until more chemotherapy? A void where we lose some of the progress we gained during all this suffering? What if the cancer grows at a rate that they can’t account for? You can’t think this way. Although, it’s nearly impossible not to. 

Instead, I try to think of the possibilities yet to be explored. I get back to googling. There are all sorts of radiation treatments, ablation and chemo radiation options.  I think of each individual option as a grain of hope, a small chance at having Matt here for another holiday. 

That’s how I’m tackling the wait in this exam room. Because the doctor is an hour behind. And we’re still sitting here. Matt is looking at cookies and talking about food. I’m typing this post, and waiting patiently to get some answers. 

The longer it takes him to come in the longer I have to daydream of all the possibilities. I’m determined to find a way to get some good news for the first day of my husband’s thirty-sixth year. 

If we can’t get some good news hear, the alternative is that Matt has banana cream cheesecake at home to eat for lunch.