The Happiest Place on Earth

 We went to Disney World. 

In retrospect, I knew it wasn’t going to be “relaxing”, but the trip had been put off too many times. The pandemic had hosed us. Then we decided to have another baby. Then cancer. We needed some pixie dust, and a change of scenery. 

The anxiety Matt was engulfed in the week before the trip was worrisome. I couldn’t blame him though. 

What if he had an uncontrollable bleeding incident? 

What if he simply couldn’t handle the hustle that is Disney? 

What if he couldn’t find any happiness at the happiest place on earth? 

Impossible. We were going and we were going to make memories. I just kept shoving the reassurances down his throat. His mother backed me on the reassurance, and she came along for the trip as an extra set of hands should anything go awry. 

Matt was denied chemotherapy/ immunotherapy the weeks leading up to vacation. By the time we’d be back he would be a month without any treatment. The tough conversations were had. We decided we had to start living, because we don’t know how long we will be able to. So with a little bit of a heavy heart I got assistance from friends the weekend of the trip double-checking my preparations. Then those same friends, the lifesavers they are— offered to caravan us to the airport. 

Fast forward through the mortifying airport security experiences, and flight delays. All of which only exacerbated Matt’s panic (which was justified given the circumstances). 

We arrived in Disney. Late. Starving. And exhausted. But, we were there. 

The week flew by, because all vacations do. We had to be extra careful with keeping Matt from crowds, hand washing and germs. No easy feat. I plan Disney (not too the minute, but I try and fit our favorite things in). Our circumstances forced changed, and in some cases frustration was the emotion of the day. 

Matt had some bleeding episodes, he wanted to go home a few times. He cried. I cried. The kids cried, but then again that’s to be expected. Factor in exhaustion and the rude awakening we can’t move into Cinderella’s castle, and a four year old is bound to throw a fit. 

I guess the point is, we made memories.  

But, happiness can’t be found in a place. I couldn’t buy it at Creations in EPCOT. 

Sometimes, even on a vacation you have to dig deep to find it. I had to chose to seek happiness in Couraira’s incessant asking to go down the water slide again every time she came down from it. In the fact that Fina chants “DaDa” and makes Tasmanian devil noises if you don’t acknowledge her. Watching Matt push through and cater to the kids, and the smiles they exchanged, that’s happiness. 

Watching the excitement through my daughter’s eyes reminded me that he has given me the best gifts. My girls. And I love him more than life itself, but when the time comes that I have to go it alone. I will.

So, did I find myself overwhelmed? Yes. Did I drink a few canned Bloody Mary’s, a margarita, and a beer or two? Sure did. Did I make a few snappy remarks while trying to keep it together? You betcha.

But, we got through. Now we know what our limits are so we can keep living and making memories. I don’t know if that was our last family vacation. I don’t know how many more we’ll squeeze in. My whole life is an unknown. 

All I know is we came home, more determined to fight for another vacation. Although yesterday we were informed Matt still can’t have any treatment- we won’t give up.