‘Twas The Night Before Chemo

 ‘‘Twas the night before chemo and all through the house…”

Everyone was stirring and anxious. 

The news came Monday that we could resume chemotherapy and immunotherapy, after more than six weeks of poor blood counts. 

The stress has been paralyzing. But, in honesty we’ve been making due. We still have incredible support from the community, our family and friends. It doesn’t change the fact that Matt went without treatment for weeks. 

This will be his last systemic infusion for awhile. The toxicity has become overbearing. It’s typical though. After eleven or twelve rounds of chemotherapy treatments you need a break. So we are now facing a break. 

 His cancer indicating numbers have gone back up. We know the disease is rearing it’s ugly head in the absence of treatment. We’ve discussed future plans. Step one make it through this last treatment. It won’t be the last forever. Just for a a short while. To give us a lull in the chaos. But, in that lull we’re pushing for radiation treatment. Or chemotherapy in an oral form. We just no he can’t go without something to keep the disease at bay. 

There is no surgical option to give Matt any hope of remission. In reality there is no logical indication the amazing father of two will ever see a remission. That was the goal. Never lose hope, but reality is a buzzkill. 

We knew there would never be a cure. We hoped there would be a day Matt would be NED (No Evidence of Disease). Still hoping over here, but also encouraging him to write letters to the girls, and record videos on individualized flash drives. 

The goal is for him to give the girls what they need to feel his presence when he’s gone. Every even he survives to attend or be present for, he can read them the letter himself. 

He’s been trying so hard to be as involved as he can. He takes Couraira to school when he can manage to get out of bed. He faithfully takes her to gymnastics, and he watches Fina when I have to run Couraira around and he can’t leave the house. He acknowledges the fact that I have taken ownership or most of the household things, but he’s trying to share the responsibilities when he can. 

That art of trying to share the lord of daily life— that is marriage. I have to add though, knowing when someone wants to take back the burden, is just as comforting as them actually taking it some days. 

As we enter the holiday season, I’m mindful of the blessings I do have. I am grateful for the time and memories we’re continuing to make. 

This family loves this time of year. So we are going to embrace it, and soak it all in. 

But, first Matt has to make it through this week, this day, the next few hours in the chair at the oncologist. Then the 46 hours afterwards in the chair in the living room. 

So now it’s the day of chemotherapy, and all the through the house sanitization is happening… including the couch. The house will be clean, so we can all tuck in tight for the last infusion these next few cold nights.