Clinical Trials and Tribulations

 We survived to see another Friday. 

The weekend will fly by and Matt will be headed back to Maryland. He has been experiencing extensive discomfort. The days have been long, some nights even longer. He’s traveling, we’re trying to find some normalcy. It’s expensive. It’s sometimes unexplainable. 

I think that there has to be an understanding that someone suffering the wrath of cancer can be grateful for everyday. But, they still are suffering everyday. 

Pain and suffering can cause irritability, sadness and exhaustion. As a caregiver I can say it’s hard to watch ; impossible to accept. 

Another impossible thing to accept is the unknown. A clinical trial— is a massive unknown. You don’t know if it’s working. You don’t know if it ever will. The first thing the word “trial” brings to mind is the saying “trial and error”. So we try. And if an error arises all you can do is try again. 

The current trial may be about to throw us an error. The dramatic increase in Matt’s pain and discomfort are indications  that things aren’t going well. We continue to hope it isn’t so, but Johns Hopkins wants to move up Matt’s June cat-scan to May. So we are. We’re still trying to squeeze in travel and enjoy the girls together. But, it’s hard when he doesn’t feel well, and it’s even harder when the stress of the unknown is weighing on the household. Matt has been fighting for a long while. Despite the bad news. And the pain. And the worst of odds. 

Why am I sharing this?— Because people need to know that Matt needs support now more than ever. He might not respond to text messages timely. He may just not know how to respond at all. Sometimes, I have thirty unread texts. It’s not always easy to answer even when people are simply trying to be supportive. But, know that it is appreciated. 

Baltimore may bring more bad news, but come what may we’ll weather the storm. 

I’ve been quieter with blogging, because like responding to texts I don’t have much to say. We’re in limbo. We’re in a trial. The trial has brought us tribulations.

We’re in a state of suffering.

Whilst still trying to be grateful. 

What a conundrum.