2022 Just Keeps Taking

 We got to Florida for Matt’s birthday, and as the plane landed in Orlando International Airport my Mom informed me my grandmother wasn’t going to make it. I lost her on Sunday. I got to talk to her on the phone, and I know she hasn’t left me. Mainly, because she promised she wouldn’t. Regardless, I found myself crying at the happiest place on Earth. 

Although , the Mickey’s Not-So Scary Halloween Party was basically rained out, we made the best of it. Matt was able to celebrate another birthday. 

Matt and I tried to accomplish and experience a bunch of things with our girls. In the past eighteen months of the battle against cancer, we have tried to travel and make memories. 

Before this last adventure we had made the decision to stop treatment. After we flew home we immediately proceeded to the oncologist. Matt explained that he couldn’t handle any more treatment, it was taking from his quality of life while not promising in return any quantity. 

Yesterday, Hospice came.

They admitted Matt into Hospice.

They’re wonderful people, but I heard Mrs. Figg from Harry Potter in the back of my head . As if I was watching “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”. I heard the words “Then everything went cold, as though all the happiness had gone from the world.”

And by 9:00pm, I was feeling the most overwhelming feeling of sadness and regret. Our priest assured me it was normal.

But, nothing about this life is normal. 

I couldn’t find a cure, I couldn’t save Matt.

I can’t save or shield my daughters from a devastating loss that’s coming. 

I can’t even save myself. 

So I put Couraira on the bus this morning and I found myself crying as I walked up the driveway. I brought Cerafina to my mother-in-law, and found myself crying as I pulled down her street. The tears come as they please. 

As will the end of this cancer-wife life.