Caretakers and Community

I transferred into a new job at a new agency. Couraira started kindergarten. Matthew entered Hospice all in the matter of forty-eight hours.

Coura loves school. My new job seems to be a better fit. 

Hospice has brought me no reassurance. No peace. If anything I’m overwhelmed more than I was before their presence. 

I asked Matt if he’s sure about stopping treatment. I promised to educate, advocate and support. Not influence. 

It’s hard to hold myself to that promise. I can’t imagine my world without him. Being chauffeured by him. My bed without him. My days without him. 

I noticed we haven’t been out in a while, so I texted our friend Jess and out we went. We sat at The Shaker and Vine, talked work. Then covered the subject matter of children. Then of course the subject of cancer reared it’s head. We agreed we’ve been through it all, and then some. 

We both checked the time, multiple times. Not because Jess would care, or had given us a specific time she had to go. The culprit is bedtime. My children need me for bedtime. In the midst of all the chaos, they need routine. They need to know we’re there.

And my other half shivered on the patio of the Shaker and Vine like it was winter, and we’d gone out naked. I asked for the check. The waitress returned and said it’s been paid. Anonymously. We instantly scan the patio. Looking for familiar faces. Then I text Jess and ask if she’s the anonymous source. As we went to get up, two beautiful faces approached our table. I feel like the name Lauren is fairly popular. With that assumption— I can say my wine enabling angel was a woman named Lauren who I went to Holy Names with. She follows my story. She reads my ramblings.

I have been unbelievably touched by her gesture. Because, amidst the chaos I have community support. I feel alone a lot more than most know, even if my family is near. 

Her gesture reminds me humanity is still compassionate . So to Lauren— thank you for reminding me I’m reaching people. I would’ve hugged you, but my foot was asleep!

I’ll tell you what I told Lauren as she stood around my table. I adore my husband, our life, and can honestly say this last week has been unbearable. That might be putting it mildly. But, people are reading my ramblings. So I might be helping someone- at some  point, to know they’re not alone. Because I know what alone feels like as a cancer wife. I also am no stranger to helplessness. 

Tonight, I channeled my original purpose, advocacy. Even the idea of  “end of life care” shouldn’t stop me advocating for the best for Matt. He needs the best quality of life he can get. He needs the best care. If it’s up to me, I’ll make sure he gets it. I called in the after hours services.

 I need to help alleviate his pain. This entails me researching every possible medication or possible resource through hospice that can give us a better idea of where we stand in the grand scheme of Matts care.

I wish I knew where  the cancer has moved to currently; or more accurately what it’s attacking.  I prefer not to watch him suffer. I feel like that would be a general consensus of every spouse. I cannot handle the thought of him struggling and then listen to him beating himself up when the struggle takes away pieces of his independence. 

Thanks to people like Lauren, I can keep pushing forward because I know there are people behind me. 

Let’s just hope it doesn’t screw with bedtime.